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Saturday Oct 4, 2008 By MC Talent It’s time for Cravingbagels to COME BACK FROM THE DEAD! So I am going to initiate this mofo with another fabulous guest speil. I know what you are thinking: “But wait Mark, you have your own blog, why don’t you just speil there?” A. Because I can’t be myself there because my customers are going to it, expecting a much nicer, less vulgar Mark. And that’s not really me. So thanks, Dan, for allowing me to be myself here on CravingBagels dot com. You have created a place where I can come to be myself. OMG I am totally tearing up right now! OK. I am writing this speil at a Starbucks in Scottsdale, AZ. I always get into little tiffs with the folks here at Starbucks. First, I used to work at Starbucks. That’s right. I was a barista at the Boulder location on Pearl Street. I know that a “tall” is a Small and Grande is Large and venti is extra large. STUPID. I know that “skinny” means nonfat, sugar free, as in a “skinny” hazelnut latte. STUPID! I’m not a pussy so I refuse to use that pussy lingo. I ordered a small coffee the other day and the lady was all, “so a TALL coffee, any room for cream?”, to which I responded, “NO NO NO... Sorry I ordered a SMALL! Sorry I didn’t make that clear... A SMALL coffee, not TALL!”. (I like to pretend I don’t understand their lingo). So then she was like, “Yes, I understand, one SMALL coffee”... Then I corrected her again. I hate it when they won’t just own up to the fact that it’s a SMALL. JUST SAY IT, stupid! Its just like the people who set you up for belittlement. You know they approach you and say, “Hey Mark, how are you?” To which I say, “I’m doing good, how about you? To which they say, “I’m doing WELL”. Ohhhhhhhh mister smarty pants here has to correct my poor English! Whatever! Go get a job at Starbucks, you’ll fit in just fine there. Then today I ordered a “LARGE” nonfat punkin spice latte. They didn’t challenge me on the Large vs. Venti today. But then they were all, “Do you want to buy one of our fattening sugar-loaded treats to go with your nonfat latte?”. Are these people stupid or what. Why would I order a fattening treat to go with my non-fat drink? I am obviously trying to be healthy here. “No thanks! Second on the lips, a lifetime on the hips! You are making that latte NONFAT, right?” I respond. “Of course” they say. Back when I was more confrontational I would not let up and I’d ask them why anyone would order one of their fattening cakes if they are ordering a nonfat latte. I especially liked asking that to them if they are overweight because I knew that they probably order the nonfat drink and a cake daily themselves... I used to enjoy passive-aggression. So then after all that shit, they are finishing up my LARGE nonfat punkin spice latte and the fool asks me, “do you want whip cream on that?”. So then I have just about had it, “You mean to add fat to my non-fat drink? That doesn’t make much sense, does it?”. To which he responds, “Well some people want that”. I was done talking to this idiot so I didn’t even respond, but to all you folks in Craving Bagels Land... All 3 of you... If you are one of those idiots who orders a nonfat latte and then ask for whip cream, STOP IT! You are just making things complicated for the rest of us normal people who are actually committed to our health and to our common sense. PHEW! I had that one bottled up for one too many years now. Thanks CB for giving me a safe haven to vent! OK Dan, I have more wonderful speils coming your way, including photos and poetry. You might need to announce to all your peeps that CB is coming back! Later! Saturday Oct 4, 2008 By MC Talent "So most of the peeps who I am sure frequent CB daily know that I am a wedding photographer. But I disguise my name as MCTALENT because my real name would make these posts come up if a bride wanted to google my name. I have to come clean about wedding photography. I’m getting to the point where I just hate weddings. Not so much the weddings I do for friends. But probably about 90 percent of non-friend weddings. Typical brides I have found, are freaks. They are all freaked out on their wedding day, all nervous and shit. They freak out if a tiny piece of lint gets on their dress, god-forbid a little stratch on it or a drop of latte that a bridesmaid dropped five feet away. Then when it’s time to take pictures, I am like, “OK walk out into that tall grass for some photos”. I have had some brides freak out at that request. Ughhhh Then they act like they totally own me. I fucking hate it. I like brides who are like, “We hate posed photos, I don’t care about family photos, just do what you do best, take lots of those cool candid photos of our guests. I totally trust you!”. Those brides are consequently the ones who are there to CELEBRATE and they don’t care as much about being the center of attention. Love em. So now I am only shooting weddings for brides by referral only and am cutting down my volume. I can’t be anyone’s bitch anymore. Now at our consultation when I first meet with a bride who is shopping for photographers, I tell them, “This is just as much an interview for me as it is for you. I am cutting down on weddings and only want to work with people who I can really connect with (i.e. Brides who aren’t freakshows). It’s the best thing I have ever done in my career. Suddenly brides want me more than ever. Funny how that dating games mentality works even for business. And now, yes, I am turning down brides and nothing feels better than emailing them, “I’m sorry I don’t think we’re a match. Here are a couple photographers who might be a better fit for what you are looking for.”... IN YOUR FACE! Hahahah I love it. They are never expecting that. They are used to wedding vendors fighting for their business. Funny thing is that my calendar for 2009 is filling up even faster. Maybe because when I give my disclaimer to brides they change their “I want to own you” attitudes and then I actually WANT to shoot their weddings. It’s a win-win! Even better I will have more free Saturdays next year so I can actually have friends again! That’s all for now. Poetry is coming next, I have some poetic thoughts that I am ready to free from their cages! |
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